Killing Me Softly

It was 1:20am on that Sunday April 2nd.  It was the morning I would realize that he was practically holding my head under water and smiling at the surface.  Deep down I always believed him, I truly felt his love and had never felt anything like it.  I dreamt it was sincere and then lived everyday life in that truth.  It wasn’t until this morning that I knew it must have been in my imagination.  He had portrayed the love and friendship on purpose to keep me, but he wanted me to drown.  I wasn’t sure if he wanted me dead so that he could move on without feeling guilty or if I had just wished it so much, and he saw me in so much pain, that he wanted to help me end it once and for all.  If hurt more than hating myself, it hurt more than feeling unbeautiful, it was more painful that the uncertainty of my purpose here in life.  It made me feel lost, alone, truly unwanted by him, and soul-less.  After all I loved him for me.  I wanted to find my soul so that we could be one, we had been on a scavenger hunt ever since that day on Amy drive when I decided to let him into my world.  I was so scared then, and I was so sorry and regretful now.  I felt very silly, crazy, emotional, and mentally ill.  I knew that he had never understood a word I had said. He had never once looked into my eyes and hurt for me.  He didn’t even pray for me every day, for my rise and to overcome my fears.  I was married, but I was not one with my husband.  He was killing me softly and he had no regrets.  I had lost all the clarity of the moment with God, when I longed for him to be at my side and I prayed for our oneness.  I had no clue where to turn or what to do next, all I knew is that I didn’t want to die anymore.  Not by my own hand or his.

Leave a comment

Please note, comments must be approved before they are published